frick.

It has been one HELL of a week. Started out with a violent drunken incident with an idiot alcoholic... I didn't get hurt, but Bailey got kicked... I had the good sense to keep my mouth shut and flew below the rage radar. Now, if you're wondering, yes, this is someone I'm close to, but luckily not someone in my immediate family. I am more mad that this person has a legitimate problem but refuses to admit it at this point, which means months if not years of dealing with addiction again. I want to rid myself of it completely, but I don't think that's an option. Such a crappy position to be in. But anyway, the incident was probably the scariest thing I've ever experienced, so it has made for a difficult week. I'm even more irritated about it because only one other person experienced this, and no one else seems to really grasp the gravity of the situation. Its sad, really. Addiction freaking sucks. And how do I handle this from here? This person is probably the best liar I have ever known, so when i get the token "Hey, I'm sorry I kicked your dog, I don't remember but lets move past this" what am I supposed to say? I want to scream obscenitites but I don't want a repeat of the violent situation, so that's probably not the best idea. "Oh, its cool, I mean, who really likes my dog anyway.... yeah, you have a drinking problem but I'm sure your 3 days of sobriety are really meaningful and true, and that it will never happen again"... yeah freaking right. Its gonna happen again. You're gonna kill somebody if you're not careful. Quit being a douchebag!

These always seem to be the times that make me most aware of my closest friendships as well. Certain people fail every SINGLE time, which never really gets less disappointing. Its like "Hey, why did you blow me off? I thought we were going to hang out?" and you get some b.s. answer about how the person was busy. But this seems to happen often, but when you bring it up you're being dramatic. My friends, the one thing I am not is dramatic. If I say you're being a shitty friend, you probably are and have been for a while. Even after all the therapist training I'm not exactly confrontational most of the time and I usually let things go past the point of where they should be. Some of you are really realy great friends and I hope you know who you are. I am in no way singling out all of you for not being there, and actually most of you who read this are always there for me. I miss being with you all in Texas, and its times like this that I wish I was back there.

I just feel so weird right now... like, awful. I can't pinpoint it. I'm frustrated and upset, but that doesn't really express it adequately. I know its worse because everything else is kind of in a shitty place too... I feel stuck with the diss, can't find a freaking job, and I need to get away from here. But I can't. UGH!

Then I killed my mac. Yep. Didn't even know it was possible. I lost all of my files, including every paper I've written, every song I've purchased, and ever picture I've taken for the last 3 years. They think they can fix the mac itself but all of my stuff is gone. Maybe this is why God has been keeping me blocked on the diss... had I written any more, it would be gone. As it is I lost an outline and some intro. Could have been much worse. I hadn't backed up in FOREVER, because I was one of those cocky mac owners who thinks their mac is invincible. Well, it ISN'T. Learn from my mistake: back up your shit. I wish I had.

But, on a lighter note, its swimming time again! I've been in the pool twice this week, and for real swimming, not just jumping in while I'm laying out. Its so nice! Still a little cool, but swim-able for sure.