Tuesday, September 8, 2009

good news, everyone!

(I hope you pictured the professor from futurama saying the title of this post... because I did :)

Soooo I haven't updated you guys in a while. Who knows how many of you read this anyway! But, for my faithful public, I will update.

Brandy got a job!! WOOHOO!!! Are you wondering if I'm totally super excited to be doing therapy again after a YEAR off? Well, you can quit wondering. This is California after all, I don't know if a therapy job actually exists in this state. So, no therapy. For now. I miss it dearly. (I really do.) The job is actually being a nanny, and its going pretty well. I'll spare you the details because its a long, sad, tragic story, but know that I am coming into a situation that is very very difficult. In all honesty, some days I leave "work" pretty depressed because of the hardships that the woman I work for has to endure on a daily basis. But, slowly, I'm figuring it out. We're all getting to know each other and getting more comfortable day by day. The woman (my boss?) is a really really fantastic person... one of those people you feel lucky to know. She is actually a local celebrity too, which makes it that much more strange for me. I hope that I will be a help to her, even if it is just in a small way.

What's weird is that although the first week was difficult and kind of depressing, I feel really sure that this is where I am supposed to be at this point in my life. I almost have a PhD and I've spent 12 years in college to be a nanny? How in the world did that happen? But I am confident that this is one of those times when God's plan really does make more sense than our own. I would have never chosen this over a therapy job (where I would get to use my education and make decent money)... and yet, I know that this is what I'm supposed to be doing. It makes me feel like this is why I wasn't able to find a job for so long. I don't really know how I'm going to help this family yet, or what God's plan for me and them really looks like, but I know its a fit. I have a calm about it, and that's encouraging. Its not often where I can see God's direct influence into my life. Now is one of those times, and man is it cool. The job is challenging and humbling though (someone calls me her nanny... not teacher, or therapist, or counselor like I'm used to being called). Its different, but humbling. I think its good for all of us to have that sometimes.

Its good to be working again. Its not a ton of money, but gives me a little breathing room again, which is definitely a plus. Phew!

That's pretty much it for now... feeling pretty good about things at the moment. Still a little unsure about things (like in the last post, but that wasn't really about me as much as me thinking about someone else's situation and thinking about how life isn't fair), but I'm sure everything will work out one way or another. They always do.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

comfortable mediocrity.

I have come to realize that I am definitely a play it safe person. If it comes down to taking a huge risk that has the potential to really pay off or really crash and burn OR to just stick with the status quo, I'm going to stick with the status quo every time.

Its hard not to get caught up in faulty logic sometimes. It just seems like no matter how good you try to be (to yourself, to others, whatever...) its only a matter of time before you're slapped down fiercely and left to huddle by yourself in a corner. Life is just not fair, and its never going to be fair. People who work their whole lives to do the right thing are not rewarded as often as they should be. There's no guarantee that because you live your life the "right" way that its going to pay off here on Earth. There are a lot of douchebags out there who are just complete assholes all the time, and yet, they never seem to get the proverbial smack down. And then there are people who work their asses off to do the right thing, and they are forced to endure pain beyond their wildest imagination. It's just not fair.

But back to my original point... if the smack down is inevitably coming (which it seems like it kind of has to... somehow) do you invest in your dreams and shoot for the stars if it means that those things will be what is possibly taken from you? Do you go for the moment of greatness and hope that it lasts? Ugh. I just don't know. If I end up single forever, this is why. At the heart of it, I almost think that its better just to live a life of mediocrity and be mostly content almost all of the time if the alternative is to be sublimely happy for a limited amount of time. The higher you go, the longer you have to fall...