frick.

It has been one HELL of a week. Started out with a violent drunken incident with an idiot alcoholic... I didn't get hurt, but Bailey got kicked... I had the good sense to keep my mouth shut and flew below the rage radar. Now, if you're wondering, yes, this is someone I'm close to, but luckily not someone in my immediate family. I am more mad that this person has a legitimate problem but refuses to admit it at this point, which means months if not years of dealing with addiction again. I want to rid myself of it completely, but I don't think that's an option. Such a crappy position to be in. But anyway, the incident was probably the scariest thing I've ever experienced, so it has made for a difficult week. I'm even more irritated about it because only one other person experienced this, and no one else seems to really grasp the gravity of the situation. Its sad, really. Addiction freaking sucks. And how do I handle this from here? This person is probably the best liar I have ever known, so when i get the token "Hey, I'm sorry I kicked your dog, I don't remember but lets move past this" what am I supposed to say? I want to scream obscenitites but I don't want a repeat of the violent situation, so that's probably not the best idea. "Oh, its cool, I mean, who really likes my dog anyway.... yeah, you have a drinking problem but I'm sure your 3 days of sobriety are really meaningful and true, and that it will never happen again"... yeah freaking right. Its gonna happen again. You're gonna kill somebody if you're not careful. Quit being a douchebag!

These always seem to be the times that make me most aware of my closest friendships as well. Certain people fail every SINGLE time, which never really gets less disappointing. Its like "Hey, why did you blow me off? I thought we were going to hang out?" and you get some b.s. answer about how the person was busy. But this seems to happen often, but when you bring it up you're being dramatic. My friends, the one thing I am not is dramatic. If I say you're being a shitty friend, you probably are and have been for a while. Even after all the therapist training I'm not exactly confrontational most of the time and I usually let things go past the point of where they should be. Some of you are really realy great friends and I hope you know who you are. I am in no way singling out all of you for not being there, and actually most of you who read this are always there for me. I miss being with you all in Texas, and its times like this that I wish I was back there.

I just feel so weird right now... like, awful. I can't pinpoint it. I'm frustrated and upset, but that doesn't really express it adequately. I know its worse because everything else is kind of in a shitty place too... I feel stuck with the diss, can't find a freaking job, and I need to get away from here. But I can't. UGH!

Then I killed my mac. Yep. Didn't even know it was possible. I lost all of my files, including every paper I've written, every song I've purchased, and ever picture I've taken for the last 3 years. They think they can fix the mac itself but all of my stuff is gone. Maybe this is why God has been keeping me blocked on the diss... had I written any more, it would be gone. As it is I lost an outline and some intro. Could have been much worse. I hadn't backed up in FOREVER, because I was one of those cocky mac owners who thinks their mac is invincible. Well, it ISN'T. Learn from my mistake: back up your shit. I wish I had.

But, on a lighter note, its swimming time again! I've been in the pool twice this week, and for real swimming, not just jumping in while I'm laying out. Its so nice! Still a little cool, but swim-able for sure.

have you ever...

... had one of those days where you run multiple red lights? (haha, you thought this was gonna be that jr. high version of the have-you-ever where you talk about what sexual stuff you've done and what you haven't huh? well, get your mind out of the gutter! what kinda blog do you think this is?!! LOL or maybe that's just me, because its the first thing that came to mind when I typed that! what a sicko)

aaaaaaanyway.... :)

I ran two red lights yesterday! You know, the kind that are yellow-turning-red before you cross the intersection. Both times I probably should have stopped... so much so that I had to do the obligatory cop scan. Thankfully, none in sight. But this is just such an odd thing; I've gone months without doing this! And yesterday, twice! Was I just in a mood? Didn't feel like stopping? Too much effort? Who knows.

In other news, my tan is coming along quite nicely. I am going to have to find a different time of day to work on the diss because afternoons are just not gonna cut it during swimming weather (which is rapidly approaching). Today I made it to the third step in the pool, and it was pretty cold... but only barely cold enough to hurt a little. A few more weeks and I'll be completely in, I guarantee it. I just can't help myself. Lucas babies are part fish, I swear. If people could really be part mermaid, we'd prolly be proof. We are all avid swimmers. Even the babies. Its a little weird. But awesome at the same time.

an unrequested music review

For some really really strange reason I am obsessed with the newest Snow Patrol album. Their first one was okay, but I thought they were kind of overplayed and not stellar. But the new album has totallly grabbed me... It's different from what they've done before, but still familiar. They just got it right, ya know? And I have one line stuck in my head all the time... (language warning.... but its my blog and I can cuss if I want to :) it goes:

"Cool your beans my son/ you look a fuckin mess"

Why this stands out to me, I really can't tell you. In the context of the song its just cool. Fits. And I think its appropriate to so many people on so many levels. A line you could use multiple times throughout the day. Someone breathing down your neck in line at the grocery store, tapping their foot, looking at their watch, hair all wind-blown and messed up, out of breath from rushing from aisle to aisle for their stupid groceries? Use it then. Your friend comes in, whining on and on about their stupid boyfriend and how he hasn't gotten her a new whatever in wayyyyy too long, screeching with that really high voice that girls only use when they're trying to be pissed off? Use it then. I don't know. Just seems like I would want to say it like 15 times a day.

So anyway, check out their album. Love it.

The Frays new one... not so much. Its good, if you liked the first album. I was just under the impression that since they waited 3 years to release their sophomore album that it might have some new stuff. It doesn't. The lyrics are good, but the sound is identical to their first. 3 out of 5 stars.

If you're looking for some new music, check out The Bird and the Bee (I like both albums but "Ray Guns are not Just for the Future" is my fave), Priscilla Ahn (she's very laid back, almost like Norah Jones but I like her more than Norah) and if you want something to dance to, Lady GaGa is pretty cool. She's kinda trashy, but the songs are fun and catchy.

Just felt like talking about music I guess. I love finding new music. It's good for the soul.

boredom.

I always thought that I would long for the day when I didn't have to work... when I didn't have to rush around like a crazy person. And now that I have it, I HATE it! Although work isn't exactly the most fun thing imaginable, it plays an important part in our lives. It gives us a purpose, something to do, and perhaps most importantly, money. I have worked since I was 16... and the majority of my jobs have been doing things that I hate. When I was young, I worked at Wild Water Adventures (a water park) as a caterer. A CATERER. Can you imagine? It was like 110 outside, we'd be lugging tables and hot food around for 6 non-stop hours. Serve hotdogs and barbecue pork to hundreds of disgusting people, and then take it all apart and haul it half a mile back to the kitchen. Ugh! It was awful! Still the worst job I think I've ever had. But I worked. Because I had to. Then I did the whole two job thing throughout undergrad, working at a bank and an ice cream shop or old navy and going to school with at least 15 units. Was it hard? I guess. I didn't really know any different. I didn't have free time, but I didn't really know that was an option. Then, at Tech, my weeks consisted of class (12 units), seeing clients, teaching, supervision, meetings, working in the clinic office, and writing papers in my free time. Weeks weren't 40 hours; they were 60-70 for the first two years.

And now, you ask? Hmm... here's a typical day:
-sleep in (why not, its not like I have somewhere to be!)
-check facebook.
-think about where i want to go work for the day (usually starbucks or panera)
-get ready
-go read articles until i can't focus anymore (by now its about 4pm)
-come home, walk Bailey (2 miles)
-maybe a little wii yoga or pilates
-dinner with the rents (ohhhhhhh i need to get out of this house)
-read another article or two if i can handle it
-more facebook while i check careerbuilder.com for jobs (there aren't any)
-apply for any and all jobs i think i could possibly do
-tv
-bed.

While its nice to actually be getting some dissertation time in, there's only so much I can do everyday... burnout happens quickly. I am making progress though, which is encouraging. But the whole job thing is just really bumming me out. I haven't ever not worked! Its gross. I don't like it. I feel lazy and unproductive. The jobs I've heard back from tell me I'm overqualified. Grrrrrrrrrreat. I don't really care. Just let me work. It's gotten so bad that I'm thinking of going back to something like the bank just to make some money. But then I worry that it will take away the time from the diss (because really, am i going to want to come home after being at a shitty job all day and want to write? NO.) So anyway, there's my dilemma. Jobs are so scarce around here I don't even know if I could get on with a bank... but we'll see. I have a masters degree and almost a phd... and I'm about to go be a bank teller. How depressing is that. It reminds me of the Simpsons episode where they go into a bookstore, and Bart takes off. Marge calls after him, asking where he's going... his response is something like "I'm gonna go to the checkout and taunt the PhDs behind the counter!" Marge says "Bart, that's not nice... they're not bad people, they just made terrible life choices!" Maybe we did. Mayyyyyyybe we did.

polyvore.com!

Well, thanks to my friend Dom I am obsessed with polyvore.com! You can shop around, create ensambles, and shop for the items that you like. You can browse what others have created to get ideas for yourself, and sometimes even get linked directly to what you want to buy! It's great for the girl that loves to shop... for the rest of you, probably not so much :) This was my first shot... what do you think?

holy smokes!

Now these are some ashes! 

She got me... good. It's only 2pm... I get to run around town all day like this. Holy smokes!

twitter!

I just discovered twitter a few days ago, and I have to admit that I am addicted! I've known about it for a while, but never really saw the allure. So I finally signed up on a whim (procrastination takes many forms...) and I love it! I think it appeals to the narcissist in all of us. I mean, who wouldn't want to get updates on every painstaking moment of my day?! You get to sit at your computer (or your cell phone) and update the world on what you're doing! In reality, no one cares. But you get to think that they do, so you update. And update. And update. And people follow you! You must be important if random people follow you. Clearly they are interested in the minutia that makes up your life. Haha... It's awesome. 

Then you get the updates from other people (you can follow online or set your cell phone to receive texts about certain people). Just think, you never have to be stuck wondering what your friend is doing that minute! Its like facebook status updating on steroids. ANDDDD you can follow celebrities/news outlets/writers/whoever. So, for example, I spent all day today getting updated with news stories from Michelle Malkin and my fave bloggers! You can respond to them, they can respond to you, its wonderful. 

There you have it: my newest guilty pleasure/procrastination technique. If you tweet, drop me a line ;)