I have come to realize that I am definitely a play it safe person. If it comes down to taking a huge risk that has the potential to really pay off or really crash and burn OR to just stick with the status quo, I'm going to stick with the status quo every time.
Its hard not to get caught up in faulty logic sometimes. It just seems like no matter how good you try to be (to yourself, to others, whatever...) its only a matter of time before you're slapped down fiercely and left to huddle by yourself in a corner. Life is just not fair, and its never going to be fair. People who work their whole lives to do the right thing are not rewarded as often as they should be. There's no guarantee that because you live your life the "right" way that its going to pay off here on Earth. There are a lot of douchebags out there who are just complete assholes all the time, and yet, they never seem to get the proverbial smack down. And then there are people who work their asses off to do the right thing, and they are forced to endure pain beyond their wildest imagination. It's just not fair.
But back to my original point... if the smack down is inevitably coming (which it seems like it kind of has to... somehow) do you invest in your dreams and shoot for the stars if it means that those things will be what is possibly taken from you? Do you go for the moment of greatness and hope that it lasts? Ugh. I just don't know. If I end up single forever, this is why. At the heart of it, I almost think that its better just to live a life of mediocrity and be mostly content almost all of the time if the alternative is to be sublimely happy for a limited amount of time. The higher you go, the longer you have to fall...
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
I'm such a bad blogger.
I always forget to update! I've said it before-- its too much like journaling, which I am also awful at doing consistently. I'd make for a really bad therapy client, I probably would never do my homework.
Sooooo what's new... not much, really. Dissertation on the brain pretty much 24/7. I have a deadline (finally), so I've really been focusing and trying to make solid progress. Its a tight deadline, and to be honest I'm unsure if I'll make it. But I think that's what makes a good deadline... it should be challenging enough to not be a sure thing. So here was the brilliant plan I concocted in order to motivate myself: If I tell my dissertation chair that I'll have it done by a certain day, I'll have it done (because to not have it done after I tell him I will would be embarrassing). So, I told him I'd have it to him on my birthday, August 12. I then booked a ticket to the good ol' LBK for a week from that date... Aug. 19. He has a week to read it so that we can chat about it in person once I get to Lubbock. I'm thinking I'll have some pretty hefty revisions, since its qualitative and I have no idea what the shit I'm talking about when it comes to qualitative research. The bonus: I get to see Mike and Amanda and Kate and Steph!!! Holla! That's worth getting a rough draft of the proposal right there. So I get to hang out with them while I am in Lubbock setting up my committee and hopefully setting a proposal date. That's the plan anyway.
I booked the ticket through cheapoair.com, and if you haven't heard of them you should definitely check them out. It was HALF of what I normally pay to do the Fresno to Lubbock flight... and I am on the exact same flights that I always take. I don't know how its so cheap, maybe its run by the mob or something. That would be pretty cool... I'm going to assume that's it. I don't know what it is with my mob fascination... but I kind of wish I knew some mobsters. But that's a whole different post altogether.
Lined up a few ways to make some cash while I continue to look for jobs... tutoring, babysitting, things like that. Good thing I almost have a ph.d! I could have NEVER done those things otherwise... :/
I think that's about it. Oh yeah, I finally saw the transformers movie (while babysitting). It was good. The saddest part may have been that I would have known that Optimus Prime had a valley chrome bumper even if the fam hadn't told me. I can just tell its theirs. Kinda creepy. Maybe I should have gone into the fam business? Yeah, I didn't think so either.
Sooooo what's new... not much, really. Dissertation on the brain pretty much 24/7. I have a deadline (finally), so I've really been focusing and trying to make solid progress. Its a tight deadline, and to be honest I'm unsure if I'll make it. But I think that's what makes a good deadline... it should be challenging enough to not be a sure thing. So here was the brilliant plan I concocted in order to motivate myself: If I tell my dissertation chair that I'll have it done by a certain day, I'll have it done (because to not have it done after I tell him I will would be embarrassing). So, I told him I'd have it to him on my birthday, August 12. I then booked a ticket to the good ol' LBK for a week from that date... Aug. 19. He has a week to read it so that we can chat about it in person once I get to Lubbock. I'm thinking I'll have some pretty hefty revisions, since its qualitative and I have no idea what the shit I'm talking about when it comes to qualitative research. The bonus: I get to see Mike and Amanda and Kate and Steph!!! Holla! That's worth getting a rough draft of the proposal right there. So I get to hang out with them while I am in Lubbock setting up my committee and hopefully setting a proposal date. That's the plan anyway.
I booked the ticket through cheapoair.com, and if you haven't heard of them you should definitely check them out. It was HALF of what I normally pay to do the Fresno to Lubbock flight... and I am on the exact same flights that I always take. I don't know how its so cheap, maybe its run by the mob or something. That would be pretty cool... I'm going to assume that's it. I don't know what it is with my mob fascination... but I kind of wish I knew some mobsters. But that's a whole different post altogether.
Lined up a few ways to make some cash while I continue to look for jobs... tutoring, babysitting, things like that. Good thing I almost have a ph.d! I could have NEVER done those things otherwise... :/
I think that's about it. Oh yeah, I finally saw the transformers movie (while babysitting). It was good. The saddest part may have been that I would have known that Optimus Prime had a valley chrome bumper even if the fam hadn't told me. I can just tell its theirs. Kinda creepy. Maybe I should have gone into the fam business? Yeah, I didn't think so either.
Friday, June 26, 2009
we're all modern to some extent...
I've been wondering how to make sense of the whole "right vs. wrong" thing. I know the cool thing to do is to act all post-modern, like you can't "judge" someone or tell them what's right. It's cool to think that there is no ultimate Truth, and that we're all here to figure out our own places in the world. But most of you out there know that I'm an old school modernist, and I believe that we live in a world of rights and wrongs. But my question is this: how does someone like me live in a world and see "wrongs" and be non-judgmental? Is it even possible? Can any of us truly be non-judgmental? I don't know.
For me, this relates to ideas that many of you would never think of judging. For instance, gay marriage. My views on gay marriage have definitely changed in the past few years, and at this point, I don't really have an objection to it in the government sense. But for me, that's because marriage is a religious institution, and the Catholic Church is very clear about the rules. Maybe I get to hide behind the Church on this one, I don't know. But it doesn't change the fact that I believe that gay marriage has no place within the Church. Is that judging? Or can I say, "I don't agree with your actions, but you have every right to do what you want". Is that being apathetic and bowing out of the conversation? I wonder if telling people that they can do whatever they want is our way of just shirking our responsibilities. We no longer have to worry about it. We can sit up on our high horse and tell others that we're "postmodern" and that we believe in peoples' right to run their own lives.
But are we neglecting (and dumping on, in a sense) the Truth by doing this? What if this happened in every aspect of society? "Hey, I don't personally believe in beating my wife, but who am I to say you can't?!" or "Your rage is completely understandable. I can really see why you shook your baby until it was limp." See what I mean? What can we stand up for? Think about the things you oppose... in a sense, doesn't this make you "modern" too? You believe that there is a RIGHT and a WRONG. I don't understand where this has led us... If we have a duty for the big things, don't we have a duty for the small? Or do we just have to wait and let society tell us what its okay to be against? (At one point, both previous examples were completely legal and mainstream).
It feels like we've lost our moral compass. If you stand up for what you believe in, you're a bigot. The poison of our times is apathy, and I think that we all suffer from it to some extent. Its much easier to bury our heads in the stand and either embrace the mainstream views or to just not fight against them. I, for one, am tired of not being able to take a stand on things that matter.
Where is John Galt?
For me, this relates to ideas that many of you would never think of judging. For instance, gay marriage. My views on gay marriage have definitely changed in the past few years, and at this point, I don't really have an objection to it in the government sense. But for me, that's because marriage is a religious institution, and the Catholic Church is very clear about the rules. Maybe I get to hide behind the Church on this one, I don't know. But it doesn't change the fact that I believe that gay marriage has no place within the Church. Is that judging? Or can I say, "I don't agree with your actions, but you have every right to do what you want". Is that being apathetic and bowing out of the conversation? I wonder if telling people that they can do whatever they want is our way of just shirking our responsibilities. We no longer have to worry about it. We can sit up on our high horse and tell others that we're "postmodern" and that we believe in peoples' right to run their own lives.
But are we neglecting (and dumping on, in a sense) the Truth by doing this? What if this happened in every aspect of society? "Hey, I don't personally believe in beating my wife, but who am I to say you can't?!" or "Your rage is completely understandable. I can really see why you shook your baby until it was limp." See what I mean? What can we stand up for? Think about the things you oppose... in a sense, doesn't this make you "modern" too? You believe that there is a RIGHT and a WRONG. I don't understand where this has led us... If we have a duty for the big things, don't we have a duty for the small? Or do we just have to wait and let society tell us what its okay to be against? (At one point, both previous examples were completely legal and mainstream).
It feels like we've lost our moral compass. If you stand up for what you believe in, you're a bigot. The poison of our times is apathy, and I think that we all suffer from it to some extent. Its much easier to bury our heads in the stand and either embrace the mainstream views or to just not fight against them. I, for one, am tired of not being able to take a stand on things that matter.
Where is John Galt?
Sunday, June 7, 2009
so I lied...
I'm still on my reading kick. I don't really know why, it feels like its been forever since I've read books for fun like I have been... and I have a new obsession.
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. It changed my life.
You may think I'm being dramatic. I might be. I also cannot imagine reading another book that I will like as much... I just don't know if its possible. First off, the book was written in 1957 but it could have been written yesterday. Its a commentary on society as much as it is a love story or fictional novel, and each aspect of Rand's writing works together to create something powerful and prescient. Her writing style is more descriptive than anything I've ever read, and you end up being able to envision the characters and their surroundings as if you were standing right next to them. And the characters... wow. I finished reading it a few weeks ago, and last night I actually thought about missing Dagny. Like I need to pick up the book again because I actually miss her. I want to go visit her again. How ridiculous is that?!
Part of the reason that I loved it so much was that it articulates my beliefs about the world in a way that I could not have ever explained... and makes you think about how you see yourself in relation to society, what you deserve, what you owe... here is one of my favorite passages. It might not make sense to you if you haven't read the book, but this passage was one that I really identified with.
I mean, is that me or what? Ugh. I am IN LOVE with this book. So I read "The Fountainhead", which came more highly recommended than Atlas... and it was okay, I guess. If I would have read them in the correct order I probably would have loved it. But it just doesn't hold a candle to Atlas. I think that people who love Fountainhead probably haven't read Atlas... because Rand intended Atlas to be her culminating work, where she lays out her total philosophy on life. Which happens to coincide with mine on almost all levels (except the atheist part). No matter what, Atlas is superior. The characters and plot are more developed and likable.
I think I need to look up her non-fiction stuff now... I just can't get enough Ayn Rand.
Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. It changed my life.
You may think I'm being dramatic. I might be. I also cannot imagine reading another book that I will like as much... I just don't know if its possible. First off, the book was written in 1957 but it could have been written yesterday. Its a commentary on society as much as it is a love story or fictional novel, and each aspect of Rand's writing works together to create something powerful and prescient. Her writing style is more descriptive than anything I've ever read, and you end up being able to envision the characters and their surroundings as if you were standing right next to them. And the characters... wow. I finished reading it a few weeks ago, and last night I actually thought about missing Dagny. Like I need to pick up the book again because I actually miss her. I want to go visit her again. How ridiculous is that?!
Part of the reason that I loved it so much was that it articulates my beliefs about the world in a way that I could not have ever explained... and makes you think about how you see yourself in relation to society, what you deserve, what you owe... here is one of my favorite passages. It might not make sense to you if you haven't read the book, but this passage was one that I really identified with.
Whenever anyone accuses some person of being "unfeeling", he means that that person is just. He means that that person has no causeless emotions and will not grant him a feeling which he does not deserve. He means that "to feel" is to go against reason, against moral values, against reality.
I mean, is that me or what? Ugh. I am IN LOVE with this book. So I read "The Fountainhead", which came more highly recommended than Atlas... and it was okay, I guess. If I would have read them in the correct order I probably would have loved it. But it just doesn't hold a candle to Atlas. I think that people who love Fountainhead probably haven't read Atlas... because Rand intended Atlas to be her culminating work, where she lays out her total philosophy on life. Which happens to coincide with mine on almost all levels (except the atheist part). No matter what, Atlas is superior. The characters and plot are more developed and likable.
I think I need to look up her non-fiction stuff now... I just can't get enough Ayn Rand.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
reading!
I have a confession to make. I read kids books. And I like them. :)
My cousin asked me a few weeks ago if I was reading the Percy Jackson series. I told him that I wasn't, and that I hadn't even heard of it. He launched into about 101 reasons why this is a series I had to read. At the time I didn't think much of it, because he's 12 and I don't have much in common with 12 year old boys as a general rule. But my sister had also read these books (she teaches 5th grade so she has a better excuse than I do), and she gave them a thumbs up as well. So I started reading them.
I finished the 5th (and last book) in a week. One week. I couldn't put the stupid things down! I was reading until 3 in the morning (which isn't that late, but is definitely later than I am normally awake). The series is about a boy who has tons of adventures, because he's half-human half-god (think greek gods like Zeus and Poseidon). If you liked Harry Potter, you definitely should give these a shot. They are shorter books in general, but really well written.
Now that I'm done with my distraction, I guess its back to cuddling up with The Politics of Abortion. Sigh.
My cousin asked me a few weeks ago if I was reading the Percy Jackson series. I told him that I wasn't, and that I hadn't even heard of it. He launched into about 101 reasons why this is a series I had to read. At the time I didn't think much of it, because he's 12 and I don't have much in common with 12 year old boys as a general rule. But my sister had also read these books (she teaches 5th grade so she has a better excuse than I do), and she gave them a thumbs up as well. So I started reading them.
I finished the 5th (and last book) in a week. One week. I couldn't put the stupid things down! I was reading until 3 in the morning (which isn't that late, but is definitely later than I am normally awake). The series is about a boy who has tons of adventures, because he's half-human half-god (think greek gods like Zeus and Poseidon). If you liked Harry Potter, you definitely should give these a shot. They are shorter books in general, but really well written.
Now that I'm done with my distraction, I guess its back to cuddling up with The Politics of Abortion. Sigh.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
hodge podge.
I need a happy post. Something to share with you guys that isn't just all doom and gloom... but unfortunately, everything seems kind of blah lately! Following up from the last post, I haven't seen the drunk in question since the night of the incident and I'm starting to feel better. Not that its my place to judge, but I just can't take the chaos that is addiction. When these people are gone, I don't miss them. I feel relief. It's similar to my brother being gone and in L.A. ...out of sight, out of mind. He's doing well and actually wrapping up his time at TCMI (don't ask what it stands for, I still don't know! hah)and he's looking for his next project. I don't know what he'll do, but hopefully it will keep him on the straight path. Things are easier that way. So anyway, I have had no more drunk run ins, and I'm feeling pretty good about it. Kind of sucks that nothing was resolved, but I don't think that anything can be resolved at this point. Distance is what feels best for me. :)
My mac was not able to be saved :(. I had hopes at first, then my cousin, my uncle, and his neighbor all had a shot at recovering my files with no luck. I took it back to the apple store yesterday, and that guy tried again, but no dice. So it had to be completely wiped clean in order to reinstall everything. He even made me delete everything myself... he was like "Are you sure you want to do this? If you do, just push that button. I'm not going to be responsible for losing all of your stuff". Cold, man, cold! So, I did. But on the plus side, they replaced the top case (essentially the keyboard) because it was stained. And they did it all for free. So when I get it back (hopefully tuesday) it will be like a brand new laptop. That's a plus. I think I can recover my music from my ipod, it just takes forever. So I'm just missing my pictures and papers. Ugh.
Still looking for a job. Gross. And I have every intention of hitting the diss hard when I get the laptop back. This is ridiculous. I kind of got motivated today... I was thinking about how awesome it will be to actually have a ph.d, to get to wear the robe ensamble, and all of that. Maybe keeping my eyes on the prize will help me get motivated to write. :)
My mac was not able to be saved :(. I had hopes at first, then my cousin, my uncle, and his neighbor all had a shot at recovering my files with no luck. I took it back to the apple store yesterday, and that guy tried again, but no dice. So it had to be completely wiped clean in order to reinstall everything. He even made me delete everything myself... he was like "Are you sure you want to do this? If you do, just push that button. I'm not going to be responsible for losing all of your stuff". Cold, man, cold! So, I did. But on the plus side, they replaced the top case (essentially the keyboard) because it was stained. And they did it all for free. So when I get it back (hopefully tuesday) it will be like a brand new laptop. That's a plus. I think I can recover my music from my ipod, it just takes forever. So I'm just missing my pictures and papers. Ugh.
Still looking for a job. Gross. And I have every intention of hitting the diss hard when I get the laptop back. This is ridiculous. I kind of got motivated today... I was thinking about how awesome it will be to actually have a ph.d, to get to wear the robe ensamble, and all of that. Maybe keeping my eyes on the prize will help me get motivated to write. :)
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
frick.
It has been one HELL of a week. Started out with a violent drunken incident with an idiot alcoholic... I didn't get hurt, but Bailey got kicked... I had the good sense to keep my mouth shut and flew below the rage radar. Now, if you're wondering, yes, this is someone I'm close to, but luckily not someone in my immediate family. I am more mad that this person has a legitimate problem but refuses to admit it at this point, which means months if not years of dealing with addiction again. I want to rid myself of it completely, but I don't think that's an option. Such a crappy position to be in. But anyway, the incident was probably the scariest thing I've ever experienced, so it has made for a difficult week. I'm even more irritated about it because only one other person experienced this, and no one else seems to really grasp the gravity of the situation. Its sad, really. Addiction freaking sucks. And how do I handle this from here? This person is probably the best liar I have ever known, so when i get the token "Hey, I'm sorry I kicked your dog, I don't remember but lets move past this" what am I supposed to say? I want to scream obscenitites but I don't want a repeat of the violent situation, so that's probably not the best idea. "Oh, its cool, I mean, who really likes my dog anyway.... yeah, you have a drinking problem but I'm sure your 3 days of sobriety are really meaningful and true, and that it will never happen again"... yeah freaking right. Its gonna happen again. You're gonna kill somebody if you're not careful. Quit being a douchebag!
These always seem to be the times that make me most aware of my closest friendships as well. Certain people fail every SINGLE time, which never really gets less disappointing. Its like "Hey, why did you blow me off? I thought we were going to hang out?" and you get some b.s. answer about how the person was busy. But this seems to happen often, but when you bring it up you're being dramatic. My friends, the one thing I am not is dramatic. If I say you're being a shitty friend, you probably are and have been for a while. Even after all the therapist training I'm not exactly confrontational most of the time and I usually let things go past the point of where they should be. Some of you are really realy great friends and I hope you know who you are. I am in no way singling out all of you for not being there, and actually most of you who read this are always there for me. I miss being with you all in Texas, and its times like this that I wish I was back there.
I just feel so weird right now... like, awful. I can't pinpoint it. I'm frustrated and upset, but that doesn't really express it adequately. I know its worse because everything else is kind of in a shitty place too... I feel stuck with the diss, can't find a freaking job, and I need to get away from here. But I can't. UGH!
Then I killed my mac. Yep. Didn't even know it was possible. I lost all of my files, including every paper I've written, every song I've purchased, and ever picture I've taken for the last 3 years. They think they can fix the mac itself but all of my stuff is gone. Maybe this is why God has been keeping me blocked on the diss... had I written any more, it would be gone. As it is I lost an outline and some intro. Could have been much worse. I hadn't backed up in FOREVER, because I was one of those cocky mac owners who thinks their mac is invincible. Well, it ISN'T. Learn from my mistake: back up your shit. I wish I had.
But, on a lighter note, its swimming time again! I've been in the pool twice this week, and for real swimming, not just jumping in while I'm laying out. Its so nice! Still a little cool, but swim-able for sure.
These always seem to be the times that make me most aware of my closest friendships as well. Certain people fail every SINGLE time, which never really gets less disappointing. Its like "Hey, why did you blow me off? I thought we were going to hang out?" and you get some b.s. answer about how the person was busy. But this seems to happen often, but when you bring it up you're being dramatic. My friends, the one thing I am not is dramatic. If I say you're being a shitty friend, you probably are and have been for a while. Even after all the therapist training I'm not exactly confrontational most of the time and I usually let things go past the point of where they should be. Some of you are really realy great friends and I hope you know who you are. I am in no way singling out all of you for not being there, and actually most of you who read this are always there for me. I miss being with you all in Texas, and its times like this that I wish I was back there.
I just feel so weird right now... like, awful. I can't pinpoint it. I'm frustrated and upset, but that doesn't really express it adequately. I know its worse because everything else is kind of in a shitty place too... I feel stuck with the diss, can't find a freaking job, and I need to get away from here. But I can't. UGH!
Then I killed my mac. Yep. Didn't even know it was possible. I lost all of my files, including every paper I've written, every song I've purchased, and ever picture I've taken for the last 3 years. They think they can fix the mac itself but all of my stuff is gone. Maybe this is why God has been keeping me blocked on the diss... had I written any more, it would be gone. As it is I lost an outline and some intro. Could have been much worse. I hadn't backed up in FOREVER, because I was one of those cocky mac owners who thinks their mac is invincible. Well, it ISN'T. Learn from my mistake: back up your shit. I wish I had.
But, on a lighter note, its swimming time again! I've been in the pool twice this week, and for real swimming, not just jumping in while I'm laying out. Its so nice! Still a little cool, but swim-able for sure.
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